Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know, like how to deal with despair, or someone breaking your heart.
A lot of things are happening, and I keep waiting for them all to come together before I actually blog about them. I know that sounds stupid, but I don’t want to jump the gun. This is what I’ve got so far though:
I get married in weeks. I’m moving back to the Quad Cities.
As we get older it becomes harder and harder to do things that actually warrant praise. I’m not talking idol worship here though, just a “Hey. Good job.” is what I’m talking about. I just spent a little while going through a box of old elementary school projects, spelling tests, essays, journals and what not. My teacher wrote on one of my tests, in large bold cursive: “Joshua! You are doing a fantastic job!” because I got 19 out of 20 right on my spelling test. I spelled soap like saop. And it was something about Mrs. Hutchins’ handwriting that caught my eye. It’s probably something I was incapable of picking up on at a younger age. In her handwriting you could tell one thing: She meant it.
It’s weird to think about, to me, anyways. She actually thought I was doing fantastic. Words lose their meaning as we get older. We tell our friends we love them even when we talk crap behind their backs, luckily while we are away doing that, they have the chance to do the same. We say things are awesome when they are really just not as bad as the things we don’t like.
Now here we are… in our grown up lives doing grown up things that over the years of grown ups, centuries before us, have become required tasks that become the normal lifestyle we live. I understand that we have to be grown ups, and everyone has to work a 40 hour a week job (okay, not everyone, but most) so most people say: “Thats life. Deal with it.” So we go through our lives trying not to complain because everyone else is sharing the same load.
That I can understand, but why can’t be shell out more compliments towards each other? Keep each other going. I’m guilty of this as well, probably more so then you, the reader, and its something I want to change about myself.
So to you, my friends, I appreciate you. A lot. Wether you’re in college, working, both, working on art, working on math, or doing something else, I seriously think you’re awesome and I’m proud that you’re doing it because I know there are probably other things you’d rather be doing.. but: That’s life, and you’re doing a fantastic job.
“Save the drama for your momma.” Who ever said that was a genius, but what happens when we get to a point where we can’t even save our drama for our momma? You know what Im sayin’? Probably not.
Drama is the topic for the week. It’s been the topic for the past 9 months, but for this post, I’m bringing it down to a week. So. Drama… after this.. we’re done. Go away.
The phrase that comes to mind is: “If you got something to say, say it to my face.” Who ever said that first is an idiot. I want everyone who comes in contact with me to prescribe to this new phrase: “If you got something (negative) to say, go tell your friends, cause I don’t care.” Now, I’m told that stems from arrogance - which might be true. I don’t want to be known as arrogant, which is what it seems like everyone sees me as. How’d I get to this point? I have opinions.. maybe to many? Maybe to loud? I don’t know, but I’ve got to change something. On the inside I feel like I’m a good listener, thinker, and someone who takes what other people say to heart. I feel like I give good encouragement and I care. But, maybe I don’t do all that? This is a call to anyone who interacts with me, to set me straight during our conversations. Feel free to let me know mid conversation when I start being a jerk, cause I know I can flip it on like a switch and a hate it.
I drove back to the Quad Cities by myself. I missed my boy T ridin’ with me. Oh well. There was some higher purpose he had to serve with his laser beams.
I did how ever, listen to As Cities Burn pretty much the whole way and maybe thats what got me into this thinking mood.
These recent blog post have been terribly lame. I’m sorry.
And it’s all right, it’s all right, and it’s all right, it’s all right, everybody’s a failure in this light. And it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, underneath it nobody’s back is straight. And I tried to stop it when… I saw your pasture start to bend.
I always feel like I have such a hard time expressing myself. Expressing the things that are actually on my mind and not my outward actions. I don’t know why I do this, and its really annoying. One of the many saving graces in my life is that there are some CD’s that express exactly how I feel. Bands that somehow come out with material that feels like it’s written at me (even though it isn’t, I know. Im not THAT egotistical.). Anyways, this brings me to my point. As Cities Burn just came out with a new album Hell Or High Water and its fantastic. From their album Son I Loved You At Your Darkest to Come Now Sleep every song has been lyrically perfect and musically flawless. Each album seems to describe a time in my life. It was like having a friend there that you didn’t have to talk to in your time of need but just knew exactly how you were feeling. It seems like the newest album has come at such a perfect time and it’s brought me to realize how thankful I am for that band. Things right now in my life feel like hell or high water.
Sigh. I’ve been looking at apartments in Greenville cause it looks like I have a year here left. Some other options have presented themselves to me so I’m testing the waters of each of those and we’ll see what happens. Right now I really need guidance. I have a lot of worry and a lot of fear right now and its shaking me up on the inside.. to quote The Departed: “My hand never shakes.” I wish it would.
I landed a summer job in which I’ll be working a ton and getting paid crap. Which is much different then my job now.
I feel like Im out of breath constantly, like when you’ve been punched in the chest. I need some form of entertainment in my life.
I didn’t mean for this all to sound so depressing, but I needed to write it down, and I figured some of you might care. Feel free to comment on this and tell me I’m over-reacting.
“They all say: I’m sorry boy, you shouldn’t fly with their kind, they found a way out of God’s love.” - As Cities Burn
Nicole and my older brother Caleb came down to Greenville yesterday. It was pretty fun. We showed Caleb around campus (which didn’t take very long), grabbed some McDonalds and then hit the road to go to the Saint Louis zoo. It was kind of misting the whole time, but it never actually rained, so we had a good time. At times I think I should’ve become a Zoologist.
The creepiest animal by far was the pissed off Camel. Every time I’ve been to the zoo, they are always way in the back, but this one was right by the fence, and I’ve never realized how big camels are. The worst part of the day was the fact that we missed the Malaysian Sun Bears, my favorites. Oh well, just an excuse to go again!
After the zoo we went and saw Dragonball: Evolution. I have to say, I thought it was so awesome. I probably have a fan boy complex about it, but I really thought they did a pretty good job adapting it to film. The problems though were:
Goku was too old.
Goku didn’t kill his grandfather.
Bulma didn’t have blue hair. What the heck.
There were a lot of other things that weren’t accurate, but nothing that I got hung up on that ruined the movie. I had a good time. Thanks to Caleb for buying the tickets.
They left early this morning to get back to the Quad Cities. :[ The wedding is coming up fast. Ha. We are having a devil of a time finding a place to rent down here and to even find Nicole a job. Blah. Stupid economy.
Back to the grind of school tomorrow. I get a tax return soon.. I might get a graphics tablet, after talking to Alex and seeing his new work, I think it’d help be get to the next level with design stuff, which I desperately need. Check him out: www.thatkidwhodraws.com
I think there are some pancakes that need my attention.
Currently Listening To: An Air Bag Saved My Life
Life seems to be rushing by at a mile a minute these days and its hard to just take a second catch your balance. Just when your feet feel like they are flat on the ground, you have to move again, its exhausting. After a 4 and a half hour van ride, a whirlwind weekend of seeing people, doing things, eating at restaurants I miss, and being with friends and family, its nice to just sit. Laying on my couch in my dorm room, the fan blowing, and “The District sleeps alone tonight… after the bars turn out their lights” playing in the background.. I feel content. Which is not a foreign feeling, but a feeling that is always so unexpected at times. The creeping homework and all the other grown up things that will come crashing down on top of me the moment the feeling of content disappears won’t affect me tonight… for now.
Being home was good. “Home is where the heart is” is probably the most cliche thing I’ve ever heard but is so true. The Natalie Fight says it best.. “I had to leave my organs in another city.” Its painful, but true. Seeing Nicole is always fantastic. Few people can make me smile like she can. Seeing Mom, dad, and Chloe, though brief, was awesome. I’m going to miss them a lot when the wedding finally rolls through.
Adam came home with us this weekend, which was good. A lot of call of duty and eating at restaurants that I miss from the Quad Cities. Speaking off:
Mongolian Grill, of course, was one of the many places we had to stop at while home. There is always one person, no matter how long I’ve been gone that always treats me as if I haven’t even left:
My dog courage. I think we humans should be envious of the dogs ability to be completely concerned and completely apathetic at the same time.
I have very few actual friends these days, and a while ago, as many people know, that would concern me. It would drive me nuts. I’ve grown up a little I think. The friendships I have now are the best I’ve ever had and I don’t intend on missing them.
My brother is coming down here Saturday. I’m hoping we can hit the zoo. He’s never seen campus or anything, so that should be a good time.
Also, thanks to my friend Misty, people can comment on my blog now, so if you have any input, or whatever, feel free to comment by clicking the comment link below!
__________________
Rarely do I watch a movie that just came out, and needs a sequel where I’m like: DUDE. I GOTTA KNOW WHAT HAPPENS. Either I watch the movie thats been out for a long time, and the sequel is out so I don’t have to worry about it. Anyways, I watched Doomsday last night, and seriously, I gotta know what happens. I can’t stop thinking about what’s going to transpire. It wasn’t even a good movie. Shoot dang.
I’m going to actually make this a good entry. So where do I start?
The Red Baron put out a new album and its rules.. so. hard. Like, It makes me feel pumped! I’ve still been playing that Fireworks album nonstop as well. I just can’t help it.
I worked in the dish room the other day at work. Many hours of just getting soaking wet and scrubbing dishes and putting them away. Well, Im sitting there.. and then Im like.. dang my arm hurts. I look down and I have HUGE bumps all down my arm and they are bleeding and what not. Turns out some people are allergic to the sanitizer we use, go figure. Downside, my arm burnt for a day or so.. upside.. I never have to wash dishes again at work. Score. Now if I can avoid working on the grill.. everything is gravy. Well, everything is Pizza, cause thats the only thing I really like making at work.
I’m going home for easter! I get to see Nicole, Chloe and the rest of the family. I cannot wait! I really need to take some pictures this weekend. I am taking pictures of the nieces though, so thats at least one thing.
I cannot wait to eat some Chinese and mongolian grill and to kiss my girl.
Some photos I took:
“You can blame the world, but you kicked out your own chair.”
This week has just been working every night and going to bed. The new Fireworks album has been getting me through the week. It’s so good. I’ve been painting a little bit, I spent a while on a new one, then kind of ruined it, oh well.
I stayed up super late last night and watched a moving called: THE UNTOLD: Sassquatch. It was possibly the best B movie I’ve ever seen. So good. After that, and a bowl of Ramen, I hit the sack. Now I’m seriously debating going to art class or not. Sigh.
My new work schedule is 4:30 - 9:00 tuesday through saturday. On top of my 20+ credit hours it seems like a lot, but it keeps me busy. Been working on some art for the S.Y.S. Art Show coming up at the end of the semester.
I haven’t take a photo in a long time… Sucks, but oh well.
I’m taking this time to give up on friendships. I know that sounds really stupid and internet drama-ish, but it feels good to just kind of say it.. well, type it. I don’t like being the only one that cares.
So, here’s goodbye to old friendships that aren’t worth being the only one pushing anymore. I’m tired of missing the awesome friends I have right now because I’m to worried about keeping up with ones that are dead. It’s time to let the poor dead horse just find his resting place.
Life is good. It makes me stoked to think in the next year its only going to get a million times better.
It’s scary to think about things not turning out the way you plan them too.
